Being Me

Like I said earlier, give this girl a Saturday morning and she has energy, I lived as a man for years and learned to accept my fate. Both my mother, God rest her soul, and my sisters knew of Deidre and were as understanding as they could be and as time went on learned to accept me as Deidre. They knew I was going to be me regardless of what they said or felt and as we were a close family, my father passed away when I was barely 8, they welcomed Deidre.

I plodded through life and was coping when my mother became terminally ill when I was 47. I remember one of the last times I visited her in the hospice she made me make two promises to her. First when we had her funeral she wanted an evening of just her children and she wanted Deidre there. Secondly that I would follow what my heart. I promised both her and when she passed away 3 weeks later the first evening's viewing was just the 3 sisters. I believe that evening brought the 3 of us closer together and they vowed to support me regardless of my life style.

The opportunity to make good on my second promise to my mother came a couple of years later. The company I had worked for over 25 years was being sold to a competitor. I had always made good money and had been wise with it, hoping to retire early so I was not rich by a long shot but I was comfortable. My house was paid for as were my two cars and I did not live extravagantly. After the sale was complete several of us were offered buyouts. Granted a non-compete contract was demanded of me but I was glad to sign that in return for the generous settlement offered me. I agreed to stay on for 6 months at my current compensation to help with the transition but that first day after I signed the buyout I visited my therapist and was given the OK to start HRT.

I was 2 months shy of my 50th birthday that last day of work. I was excited about the future yet scared and unsure of what lay ahead for me. I remember having a tear in my eye as I pulled out of that driveway for the last time. I got home, changed out of my male drab for the last time, poured myself a drink and sat on the deck watching the sunset wondering what tomorrow would hold for me.

Was I scared? Yes! Did have any idea of what I was going to do? No! Was I ready for this? I thought I was. Did have any idea what I had gotten into? A very definite NO!

Looking back I can say it has been a lot different than I dreamt it would be and in many ways scary but if I have any regrets at all about what I did it is I only wish I had done it sooner.